I’m cozied up on the sofa watching yet another clip from the Real on YouTube. For some reason, I’ve become OBSESSED with watching every single one of their “girl chat” videos to the point where I let YouTube autoplay it for hours on end. In these videos, the ladies discuss every topic imaginable when it comes to all things women. The episode currently on is about insecurities. Each host goes around the table and shares some insecurity they struggle with. I’m a little bit taken off guard when each woman shares that their insecurity is centered around something about their body. All 4 of them have different body shapes, and yet each one has a unique glow. From the outside, you wouldn’t think they even possessed insecurities since they all seem pretty confident in who they are.
This is probably one of the hardest things for me to talk about, but I’m going to try my best to speak as candidly as I can. I’m very sensitive to the topic and I think to some degree I always will be.
I literally PREACH about how there’s something beautiful about everyone I come across. But for the longest time, I didn’t think I was attractive because I wasn’t a certain size. For everyone else, I never equated thin to attractiveness- but for some reason I would with myself. I still don’t quite comprehend this thought process- but I had it, nonetheless. It’s sort of been ingrained in me since I was very young that skinny = pretty. Both of my parents are pretty active and healthy for their age (aA), and they’ve always been this way for most of their life. I wasn’t blessed with a fast metabolism, so for the rest of my life I’ll always have to watch my weight. That’s something I had to accept early on. I started actively “worrying” about my weight when I was 13 years old. I was always told not to eat this or that cause it would cause me to gain weight. Looking back at my pictures from my childhood and high school, I feel incredibly sorry for that girl. I think I was always confused about what my body truly looked like. Some people would tell me I’m just fine, and some people would tell me I needed to watch myself. It’s already such a weird and confusing time for a young girl, so you can imagine how torn I was in my head.
In high school, I developed an unhealthy relationship with food. My thought process was “if I don’t eat then there’s no possible way I could gain weight.” I would go to school with a packed lunch, and I wouldn’t touch it. I would give it to my friends or throw it away. I’d then go home and eat dinner. I would essentially starve myself all day, and at dinner I would eat a normal meal because I had to. This would go on for days until I couldn’t take it much more. When no one was home, I’d binge. It wouldn’t be a crazy binge, but I would eat enough to fill myself up and maybe a little bit more. I didn’t realize I was starving/binging until much later on. Did I lose weight? Absolutely. Did I gain it back? Of course, I did.
Then I started college. Like any freshman, I gained weight. The difference was, I went into depression as soon as I began college. I don’t know what came first- the weight gain or the depression. It lasted about 6-7 months and my weight gain was noticeable at this point. The following spring, after intervening, I started working out with a physical trainer. I even started taking diet pills. The weight came off. Until one morning, before school, I passed out on my kitchen floor. Another intervention, I needed to chill out. So I stopped the pills.
So what changed exactly? How did I get to where I am today? Well for starters, I realized diets suck. There’s no way around this. I’ve tried so many diets- even the military diet. I’m currently on and off Keto, and honestly it’s the only one that’s been most effective. Diets are a commitment and usually a temporary fix if you don’t stick to it every day. Which is why I completely detest them. The only way you’ll see change is if you look at it as a lifestyle change. Consistency is key. Curbing cravings is still a challenge, and substituting them for healthy choices is even harder- but not impossible. Moderation became my best friend. Don’t deprive yourself of anything. If you’re really craving something- you’re allowed to have it. Keyword: moderation. The gym is important too- but 80% diet, 20% exercise. Controlling what you eat is slightly more important and it took me again, a while to realize this. I’ve always gone to the gym and because of this, I would justify to myself that I didn’t have to watch what I ate as much because I was burning it off. PSA you’re not going to optimize your workouts if you aren’t watching what you eat as well!
Let’s talk about body image. I think everyone has moments when they feel good about their body and moments when they don’t. I have these moments as well. But for a long time, it was mainly negative. I think these past two years have been a huge journey and discovery of self-love/self-care in all aspects of my life. I still usually hate pictures of me unless they’re taken from a certain side and a specific angle. I don’t Photoshop my pictures anymore and haven’t in a couple of years. I think that’s what I’m most proud of. It took me a while to get out of that mindset and realize what I was doing was toxic to myself.
I always admired how confident my friends were in their bodies- or so I thought they were. But no one is ever 100% satisfied, are they? I would walk through school comparing my body to other girls thinking “maybe I’m her size,” not ever really knowing what I looked like to other people. I’ve always had curves, but because some of my friends (not all of them however) didn’t, I didn’t think mine were attractive or acceptable. In college, most of my friends were in long-term relationships, and that just wasn’t the case for me. I BLAMED the fact that guys didn’t think I was attractive because I wasn’t thin enough. To make matters worse, during my junior/senior year of college a joke got back to me about my weight. The joke was made from a couple of guys who were in our friend group at the time. They compared me to a certain fictional character from a movie. When I heard this joke, I was actually in a good place in my health/fitness journey. But it just takes one person for it to all come crashing down. My deepest insecurity had become valid. I remember it being a really hard thing to get over, and I didn’t take it well. I would cry every night just hating the way I looked. These were my friends after all, and this is what they thought of me.
I think it’s the most annoying, however, when it comes from your family. Anytime a family member says anything- no matter how nice or how harsh it is, it just doesn’t make me want to do anything about it. I’ve never liked being told what to do. I truly believe that wanting to be a better and healthier version of yourself has to come from within. If you don’t want to do it, you never properly will. That’s what changed for me. I wanted to do it for myself. Not because someone else was telling me to. I just never want to give anyone the satisfaction that because they told me I needed to lose weight that’s why I did it. I don’t know if that sounds selfish, but I truly do want all the credit when it comes to this. That’s another power struggle I’m still dealing with in my mind. I feel like people won’t really understand unless they’ve gone through it themselves or dealt with something similar.
I’ve only recently started to “unlearn” the fact that skinny really doesn’t equate to pretty. It’s an everyday struggle inside my brain, and I still catch myself having these feelings from time to time. Keto and the gym has helped too, but more than that I realized the importance of feeling good about myself exactly where I am as well. There’s always room for improvement, but that doesn’t mean I’m gaining or losing beauty when I’m gaining or losing weight. What does add beauty is confidence. Confidence is sexy. Be proud and accept yourself the way you are. Imperfections and all. Fuel it to better yourself. Just remember, no matter how many times you’ve been torn apart by other people or even by yourself about an insecurity- know that you should respect yourself, the same way you respect everyone else. You owe yourself that.
(P.S. BODY SHAMING IS UGLY. No matter who you are, you don’t have the right to speak about anyone else’s body. You never know what a person has struggled with, what scars others have given them that they carry, or the demons they’re fighting. There could even be serious medical reasons so PLEASE keep that in mind. Be kind as much as you possibly can, you never truly know the effect of your words).
-love Sof
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