Last October, my parent’s marriage came to an end. Nothing can really prepare you for a life change as drastic as this. Although a year has gone by, it still hasn’t fully sunk in- and a lot of people tell me that it might not ever. I’m obviously not going to go into the details of how or why it happened. But, as a child of divorced parents, I feel like it’s important to shed light on what to expect if you’re going through something similar. Sometimes it’s nice finding comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. I also want to share what I wish I knew prior to all of this and what coming from a “broken family” really entails for anyone who might need it.
[DISCLAIMER: No divorce is the same, and every family functions differently. Nobody will go through exactly the same process, and therefore, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have to take on all of the emotions I might express.]
Resentment & Guilt
A huge challenge I had to work through initially was resentment towards both of my parents. It takes two people to make and/or break a relationship, and for this reason, it’s normal to blame either or both parents for things falling apart. At the beginning, I really didn’t want to be around them because I felt like they were the reason for my life essentially falling apart. Although the resentment has slowly simmered, I’ll still catch myself in certain moments holding the weight of this past year against them. Like a vicious cycle, my resentment would turn into guilt. I would feel bad that I wasn’t more present even though I physically and mentally could not get myself to be around family. This led to an enormous sense of guilt and contributed to the endless cycle. I kept distracting myself with school and friends, and I strongly believe this is the best way to cope. Even though everything at home was so different- my friends and school remained the same. This stability was vital for me to move forward.
Choosing Sides (within reason and given the right circumstances)
As the eldest, the responsibility to make sure everyone was okay fell on my shoulders. This meant that I would take the brunt of any emotion my parents or my sister would feel. This also meant that any feelings I had about the situation were brushed to the side because I had to handle the matter at hand. I didn’t have time to worry about who was right or wrong or to process my emotions. If you’re in a similar position and this starts to affect your mental health- make sure you SEEK HELP. You have to make sure you are stable FIRST in order to successfully help anyone else. Another thing that you should try to avoid is being messenger between your parents. It'll just make you feel like you have to pick sides. Within reason, it’s best to resist this because you want as minimum conflict as possible. Sometimes you’re on the same wavelength as your mom, and sometimes you’re on the same wavelength as your dad. It just depends on the day.
Your Parent’s True Colors
One of the biggest things that I’ve learned throughout this experience is the way you get to know your parents. Even though they’re still your parents, divorce brings out a different side of them. Probably one you’ve never seen before. You see them less as your parents and more like individuals. Both of my parent’s personalities really came out this past year, so that was a very unexpected and eye-opening transition for me. As you get re-know them, you could potentially allow this to actually get closer to them. Because you're finally getting to know your parents for who they really are and maybe always have been.
Everyone Else’s True Colors
Not only do you get to see your parents for who they really are, but you also get to see everyone else around you for who they really are. You realize who gives meaning behind the words “I’ll always be there for you.” It was an enlightening experience for me to say the least. I saw close family members/friends show me that they aren’t reliable and I can’t depend on them. When shit hit the fan, they were nowhere to be found. However, I also saw a lot of unexpected family members/friends show me that no matter what happens, they’re truly ride or die for me. I really have to give credit to these people because I would not have been able to get through this time without them. Keep your support system close, and don’t be afraid to lean on them. Keep in mind, people will show you their true colors throughout this process, but hopefully you're able to take the positive from the situation- and it is able to strengthen you.
Special Occasions
The most maddening times are during special occasions. For example, graduation for me was really unpleasant because it was the first BIG special occasion post-divorce. The entire time I was just on edge- wanting it to be over as soon as possible. I think these momentous occasions remind you of the true state of things more than any other day because the memories you have on these days were once celebrated when your family was whole. Another example is Eid. It’s such a mission for us because we have to make sure we spend time with not only each side of the family, but every family member as well. Birthdays are now a lot more emotional cause it reminds me of what’s not, but on the upside I do get double the celebration. A certain fear starts to creep in, however, about future special occasions such as your wedding day. You spend your whole life thinking it’s going to be one way, and now all of a sudden it’s just not. This specific thought deserves an entire blogpost because it’s so complex, and it’s something I think about often. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Fears of Society
Which leads to the Desi mentality. Divorce in our culture is so taboo and frowned upon. People automatically write off these women or children, and it’s honestly such an outdated and backwards way of thinking. I’m not going to lie, people do look at you differently. When you walk into a room full of people that are aware of your situation, they can’t help but stare (this happened a lot at the beginning). But this is your life, and these are the cards you’ve been dealt. People are going to talk regardless. The best piece of advice I’ve heard is to simply “own it.” Screw what anyone has to think or say. You can’t change any of it, but the most important thing to remember is that you’re not to blame for your parent’s divorce. Despite what the stares might suggest.
Dealing with My Own Relationships
Obviously, my view on love and relationships has always been pretty cynical and conflicting. I’ve always been and probably always will be a hopeless romantic. I am by no means ready to get married right now, but I do know that I haven’t given up on the idea of love. Marriage is still a concept I’m trying to get comfortable with. It scares the hell out of me because it doesn’t seem possible that you spend the rest of your life with someone and they just never get tired of you or do anything to hurt you. However, I do believe that the right person has the potential to prove this thought wrong. I’ve learned that communication AND emotional comprehension are KEY to a successful relationship, let alone marriage. I’m also aware of exactly what I want from a relationship and not only that, but what I need from one. Knowing that certain things are non-negotiable means that I can’t and won’t settle. But again, I am super cautious because I know that marriage will eventually lead to having my own children, and I’d never want my own kids to have to experience dealing with a broken home. So in a lot of ways, it becomes added pressure when choosing the “right” one.
A New Normal
Coming to terms with the fact that we have a new norm now was hard. Things aren’t the same, and they’ll never be the same. I had spent 22 years of knowing one version of life, one reality- and now I have a completely new one. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with- and am still dealing with. To be honest, I don’t think you ever really stop dealing with the fact that your parents are divorced. But you do get better at it. I’ve learned more about myself this past year than ever before. You become a stronger version of YOU, and realize that life is way too short to take anything for granted. All that petty shit really doesn't matter. It’s a constant reminder that not everything is the end of the world, and if you’re able to get through this (which you will), then you can get through anything.
-love Sof
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