(An analyzation of Chapter 1 of the New York Times Bestseller F*ck Feelings)
In my quest to determine better ways to manage my mental health, the ONE source I never tapped into were books. Self-improvement, self-help and psychological books- specific to things that I’m going through- never occurred to me because I never thought I’d find the answers I was looking for. Yet, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself in the psychology section of Barnes and Noble purchasing my first “self-help” book: F*ck Feelings by Dr. Michael Bennett and his daughter, Sarah Bennett. As I started reading, I figured the only way I was going to make the most out of this book is to delve deep and dissect it. I decided with each chapter I read, I would write my thoughts on what I learned, and in doing so maybe help someone else out as well. I wanted to drill these lessons in my mind so they stick with me longer (instead of reading without retention).
Disclaimer: My thoughts and opinions are entirely my own and based on the book F*ck Feelings. These are more so my takeaways and what I personally got out of the book.
A little INTRO to the book… The main purpose Dr. Bennett and his daughter are trying to highlight throughout this book is that life is hard, and you can’t always control your circumstances. We need to actively recognize and shift our focus from what we can’t change to what we can change. Ultimately, what we should work towards is how to effectively manage each problem that comes our way- instead of shaming ourselves for having these problems in the first place. Stop driving yourself crazy trying to figure out WHY things are happening to you. “In our world, feelings don’t rule, many things can’t be changed, and acceptance of limits, not limitless self-improvement, is the key to moving forward and dealing effectively with any and all crap that life can throw your way” (pg 3). We have to measure our capabilities and limits in order to achieve our goals realistically. Without doing so, we set ourselves up for failure- leading us to feel like absolute shit- mentally and physically.
The first chapter is called “Fuck Self Improvement.” Although it seems admirable and empowering to constantly be on a quest to self-improve- the idea can sometimes stand in your way from accepting where you’re at in life and being happy with who you are. Especially when you’re not producing the results you desire after much effort. We aren’t very good at taking into consideration any limitations that may be placed on us that are preventing us from meeting our goals. It turns more into “…self-sabotage” (pg 8) instead of self-improvement. There are also patterns in our behavior that we may have acquired from trauma or even our parents that often times can’t be reversed. This means we’re going to be prone to behave a certain way no matter what. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s our fault or that we can’t work on it. It just means it’ll take much more time and work to do so. We needn’t be so hard on ourselves, but we do need to take an active responsibility to work on those tendencies. “Real confidence comes from knowing you’ve used what limited strength you have to do what’s important. If your strength isn’t great, and as a result you have to strain harder, you deserve even more credit, assuming you’ve got the values to do something worthwhile” (pg 8-9).
There are five subsections within this chapter, so I’m going to dissect the rest of the chapter accordingly.
“Taking back the reins of your life (after a stampede)”
The main takeaways from this first section is for one: “…life reserves the right to throw more shit at you than you can possibly handle” (pg 10). This quote hit me hard because it’s absolutely true- life REALLY does reserve that right. I have to stop being so shocked every time life throws me a curveball- because that fact alone will never change. Life is relentless and will continue to throw curveballs at me for the rest of my life. Even though I feel like I need to control this, I have to accept that I can’t. All I can control is how to approach and manage these problems more effectively. Giving in to every meltdown/breakdown and believing that this is all happening because I deserve to be punished will only give power and control to negative feelings- and in doing so- making me act or behave in a negative way. Not giving into this, however, will leave more room for self-respect: the respect that I got myself through a tough situation, not that I’m in a tough situation.
“Getting to the root of your problem (and tearing it out)”
This section really opened my eyes to the idea that we place an abundant amount of importance on where our problems are coming from and why they’re happening. But even after we have the reason, we rarely have the solution. “In fact, knowing why you’ve got a bad habit usually gives you no ability to stop it, and the search for deeper knowledge sometimes serves as an excuse for waiting until it’s easier to stop, which it never is” (pg 16). If you’re unable to find the root of your problem, accept that you might never know why shit is playing out the way it is. Instead try to immerse yourself in fixing/managing the situation, and stop finding excuses to avoid it. “Stop asking why and start asking how” (pg 20).
“Becoming a more positive person”
This third section is all about accepting the fact that everyone has negativity that resides in them. The difference is how we manage that negativity- instead of trying to eradicate it all together “…your primary goal is not to get rid of negative feelings and feel better, but to block them from controlling your behavior while you continue to act like a decent person” (pg 21). It never does us any good when we lash out and act on our negative emotions. “You can be justified in attacking someone, physically or verbally, but the satisfaction it brings is limited; it often leaves you with a bad feeling in the long run…” (pg 21). However, if you make yourself feel bad for having negative thoughts in the first place, you’ll often times end up feeling worse than you already do. It’s so much easier to hurt someone when you’re already in a negative state of mind, and for that you must “…respect what you do with your feelings, not what they do to you” (pg 24). It’s also imperative to keep reminding yourself of your goals and the kind of person you aspire to be. The more conscious you are, the less power you give to negative feelings controlling your behavior and impacting your character. “You can’t control your negativity, but you can keep it from controlling you” (pg 24). Learn about yourself, your triggers and what makes you angry. “Get to know your inner asshole so as to reduce the likelihood it becomes outer” (pg 25). Self-awareness leads to self-respect if you allow it to.
“Stop fucking up”
The fourth section “Stop fucking up,” highlights how we should put aside the shame that comes with bad habits and impulses we find ourselves acting upon. It ties in with the last section in the sense that if you simply accept that you’re human, and that you’re going to procrastinate (or any other bad habit you may have) from time to time, you’ll be on the fast track to resolving your issues. You’ll reserve your energy for what actually matters. You set your own standards for success and only you can determine how successful you are. Having this mindset can relieve you from the pressure of doing things for everyone else when you should be doing things just for you. “Rely on your own standards for defining hard work, reliability, and self-reliance…” (pg 30).
“Curing yourself of addiction”
The last section in this chapter is called “Curing yourself of addiction” and although I couldn’t relate to it as much as the other sections, I still found some of the points profound. The overall message is “…we continue to experience addictions as moral failures and respond accordingly… that response means hiding the addiction and condemning others who have it… (pg 32). Punishing yourself for an addiction isn’t going to make the addiction go away. Giving in to your addictions, on the other hand, does make you lose value on things you find nearest and dearest to you. The worse you feel about your life, the more you’re going to want to indulge in the things that you think are making you feel good. Even with interventions, people often end up changing for others and not truly for themselves- which leads to relapses. "Weigh in the opinions of others but ignore their feelings, because this isn’t about changing their minds, arguing with them or pleasing them. It’s about whether your behavior compromises your ability to live up to your standards” (pg 36). See how your addictions are affecting others, and take that into account when you're deciding to seek help. The main question you want to ask yourself is whether or not you believe “…there’s more value in doing good, and being the kind of person you can respect, than there is in feeling good” (pg 37).
Closing thoughts
Overall this chapter wasn’t a complete breakthrough, but I did have a few realizations of the way I want to go about my self-improvement journey. It made me realize that I don’t need to dwell on how hard life can be because that’s never going to change. I should only concentrate on what I CAN control instead of wasting so much time and energy thinking about why things are the way they are and victimizing myself for the life I have. I need to focus on accepting reality and managing my issues accordingly. We should try to understand the physical and mental limitations that come along with anything we’re trying to accomplish, and (within reason) make plans to get better instead of setting ourselves up for failure. Most of all, we should remember to “…put doing good over feeling good” (pg 40).
love, Sof
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