(An analyzation of Chapter 2 of the New York Times Bestseller F*ck Feelings)
Happy Blogmas Week 1! If you don't follow my Instagram @SofStateOfMind, I announced that I'd be doing Blogmas this month. That means a new blog post every week this holiday season. This week's Blogmas is going to be an analyzation of Chapter 2 of the self-help book F*ck Feelings by Dr. Michael Bennett, and his daughter, Sarah Bennett. If you missed my analyzation of Chapter 1, check it out here: https://www.sof-stateofmind.com/post/self-improvement-or-self-sabotage
Disclaimer: My thoughts and opinions are entirely my own and based on the book F*ck Feelings. These are more so my takeaways and what I personally got out of the book.
The second chapter is called "Fuck Self-Esteem." Self-Esteem. The lack thereof can often times make you feel inferior- questioning your worth and planting seeds of doubt in your mind. Give these seeds enough attention and they will grow, consequently impeding your own growth. “People think self-esteem is the hallmark of good mental health, but, given the number of people who base their self-worth on having good looks, a positive outlook, money, or just luck, that assessment doesn’t mean much” (pg 41). In other words, you can feel good about where you are in life, but still have shitty mental health. That’s probably why they tell us not to look for happiness after losing weight, getting into a relationship or even starting a new job. Contentment comes from within- the external factors are supposed to be the cherry on top. “The Gospel of Self-Esteem would argue that you can’t stand up for yourself until you love yourself enough, thus making self-esteem an essential vitamin to take before you gain control of your life…” (pg 42). However, if that was true, then people with low-self-esteem would never even attempt to get their lives together. They'd simply give up. Self-esteem is nice, but it’s not necessary for you to get up and keep going. That's where the misconception comes from. “Doing what you believe is worthwhile is the only source of real self-esteem, even if doing so makes you inferior, exposed, and ashamed in the short run” (pg 42).
There are five subsections within this chapter, so I’m going to dissect the rest of the chapter accordingly.
"Fighting the Loser's Curse"
When we start feeling bad about ourselves, it’s usually when we’re comparing ourselves to others. “The funny thing about needing to feel better about yourself is that it often starts with feeling that you are worse off than someone else” (pg 43). We're all guilty of comparing ourselves to others, and what they're doing serves as a meter for how well we’re doing. Though what others have may be really nice, it’s usually a matter of timing for when those things will come into our lives- each person has their own timeline. So why don’t we base our self-esteem on our character? Something that we’re actually fully in control of- since time isn’t? “…you can have many other positive qualities- carefulness, loyalty, patience, etc.- that you do control and that are less superficial indicators of character and self-worth” (pg 43). Wanting to feel good about yourself all the time is nice in theory, but isn’t easily attainable. There are going to be times when you’re sad or down, or things just aren’t going right. “…accept the fact that sometimes you can’t and won’t feel good about yourself” (pg 44). We feel like losers because it seems as if everyone else is winning, but I assure you, no one feels like a winner 24/7. “As long as you do your best to be independent, be decent, and live up to your values, you’ll have more reason to respect yourself and actually feel good than if you were super smart, rich, and the fittest of the herd” (pg 44). When you respect yourself, you value yourself. And when you value yourself, your self-esteem will sky rocket. Give yourself credit for doing the best with what you have, and work on getting yourself to where you want to be without discrediting what you’ve already accomplished. Don’t let it discourage you “…soldiering on when you feel diminished, lonely, and out-competed takes great strengths and is one of life’s ultimate accomplishments” (pg 46). We don’t talk about this enough. It’s an accomplishment in itself to get yourself through challenging times. “So forget about the goal of feeling good about yourself. Enjoy bursts of confidence when you can and take credit for your hard work, but beware of making confidence a goal, because that implies control, responsibility, and blame when you can’t make it happen, and it’s wrong and cruel to blame yourself when you’re stuck with a hard life, crap luck, or some deadly combination of the two” (pg 47).
"Unleashing the Power of Persuasion"
This section was mainly about how people often correlate persuasion to self-esteem. I didn’t find this section too relatable because I’ve never had a desire to truly persuade someone or sell someone something. He opens with, “The idea that if you believe in yourself, you can persuade others to follow your command, is sold to us near the end of many movies when the unlikely hero finally takes the crown” (pg 50). Ultimately if you persuade someone of something today, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be able to persuade someone else tomorrow. Therefore, thinking that “…maintaining this ability is all up to you just worsens your feelings of failure” (pg 50). The ability to influence makes us feel good about ourselves, but in the times we can't successfully do that- we shouldn’t brand ourselves as failures. “Certainly, you should work hard, train well, and do what you can to build and rebuild your confidence. If, however, your influence is nevertheless waning or just wan and unimproved, don’t self-destruct on self-doubt” (pg 50). Don’t try to make persuasiveness a goal. If you are trying to be persuasive, just provide the advantages and disadvantages of the situation. Let them know you’re trying to enlighten them in their choices, not shove your opinion down their throat. Whatever happens after that, isn’t up to you or your self-esteem. “You can still believe in yourself, as long as you believe that your flaws and misfortunes are part of the package” (pg 50).
"Standing Up to the Bullies"
Often times, people believe that they NEED self-esteem in order to stand up to bullies. Without it, they feel as if they’re powerless. “The fact is, however, that many people get relatively inarticulate when they’re anxious, and very few people are good at the art of speaking up in the face of authority without getting into trouble” (pg 56). I strongly believe that those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. There are some people who will always have a problem with you- regardless of what you do. You have to remember that “You’ve got other goals and obligations to pursue, and fighting battles with people you don’t like and aren’t going to change seldom makes sense, even if they’re smaller than you” (pg 56). I swear life is too short for the pettiness we allow ourselves to entertain, “So strengthen your resolve, not your muscles…” (pg 57). Remember, it’s not about what’s happening to you, it’s how you choose to react to it. Engaging and stooping to their level probably won’t end in a peaceful outcome. Build your boundaries, only you have the power to let people in and out of your life. What you believe is worth a reaction is the only thing that deserves a reaction. “As long as you haven’t let fear and anger compromise your behavior, you can disagree without having to defend, persuade, or continue conversations that you think are destructive” (pg 59).
"Overcoming the Stigma of Disability"
Disabilities can be just as much mental as they are physical. It can range from substance abuse issues to mental health disorders. The stigma around disabilities is negative, and that’s why people do the best they can to conceal them “…the goal of people with disabilities, be they physical or mental, is to gain confidence by reducing their disabilities, keeping them hidden, and reclaiming normality as soon as possible” (pg 62). With these issues comes the responsibility to recover- which is no doubt admirable. However, we need to be careful with how much we let our self-esteem play into it. We get frustrated with ourselves when we don’t see results immediately or aren’t cured over night. “…if your self-esteem depends on the state of your recovery, you will waste energy fearing and then feeling personally responsible for slips, setbacks, and relapses that even the most capable person doesn’t have a handle on” (pg 63). We often times let our disability become our identity, especially when we let so much of it control our life. “You won’t be someone living with a disability, but someone whose disability is their life” (pg 63). Progress isn’t a straight line. You’ll have hiccups here and there, and that’s not always fully in your control. Fight the stigma of shaming yourself when things like this do happen. “Don’t take pride in looking normal, but in how well you cope with abnormality, tolerate the burden of your illness, and get as much as you can out of life.” (pg 63). All in all, it’s human nature to hide what we don't like about ourselves because they aren't society's definition of normal. Nevertheless, make sure you have open communication with your loved ones about what you’re going through and what they can do to help. I can't stress this enough, but those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. People who matter will do everything they can to support you. Everyone else is irrelevant.
"Saving Your Kid's Self-Esteem"
This section was also something I couldn’t relate to, but maybe one day when I do have kids, I’ll refer back. I'm assuming most parents take personal responsibility when their kids have low self-esteem. They feel like they have a personal hand in it, but in reality- if you’ve done everything you can to provide love and stability, there’s still a chance for your kid to have low self-esteem. “Sometimes, no matter how much you adore your kids, your love just doesn’t get through and they don’t like themselves. So your job, though it may sound heartless, is to do your best do build them up, remember you’ve done your best, and then go do something else” (69). You don’t have control over what happens to them at school, and usually when children are going through puberty- their hormones are controlling their feelings- especially about themselves. A lot of these problems will fix on their own, in the years to come “…as their brains grow and mature” (pg 72). The most important thing to remember is that just because there isn’t progress, doesn’t mean it's an automatic failure. You try, and try again.
Closing Thoughts
The basic idea I took from this chapter is to determine if you’re doing the best you can in each situation you find yourself facing. Evaluate you’re values, morals and ethics, and as long as you’re living up to those, you can problem solve no matter what level your self-esteem is on. In turn, your self-esteem will automatically boost. You needn’t be so concerned with where it’s at right now in order to go far and succeed in life. “…regardless of whether your self-esteem is too low or too high, you can figure out how to make the best of bad situations, take pride in your effort, and have confidence in your ability to do the right thing. You can like what you do with your choices, even if you don’t love yourself” (pg 75).
love, Sof
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