You might have clicked on this post looking for a fresh, new perspective on relationships. This is not that. A part of me feels like I can’t top the cynical yet relevant post I wrote about 4 years ago “Love Lies” https://www.sof-stateofmind.com/post/love-lies. Funnily enough, I posted that right before I got into the relationship I’m in currently. Instead of deep diving on our generation’s idea of love, this time, I’m going to speak on what I’ve learned about love through my relationship and therapy. These are lessons that can transcend across all relationship types. I’ve found that a lot of concepts that we apply to romantic relationships can be applied to our platonic ones as well. So even if you’re not in a romantic relationship, I hope you’re still able to take something from this – even if it’s just for the relationship you have with yourself.
Being in a relationship (whether you’re dating or married) in your twenties, teaches you a lot more about YOURSELF than you’d think. In order to coexist with someone (healthily), you must learn to exist with yourself. I don’t mean self-love, but more so self-knowledge. You may think you know yourself, your desires and needs etc., but often times, a relationship will propel this journey a lot faster for you or change all together what you thought you knew. Getting to know yourself in your twenties is hard enough, but pair that with being in a relationship and you’ll find out that much more. You may not know where you fall in the categories I’m about to discuss, however, just being cognoscente of these things may help you navigate your relationship a little easier. We really have to understand ourselves, in order to understand our relationship.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not a psychologist or psychotherapist. I can only speak on my PERSONAL experiences, and sessions with my own therapist. If you are interested in any of the things I discuss, I encourage you to do your own research, or speak with a professional. Additionally, I'm by no means saying I'm a spokesperson for the perfect relationship. Every relationship has their own set of issues, and we are no different. I just want to share the little things I wish I had known early on.
#1: Learn your Attachment Style
The first thing people usually mention when speaking on relationships is love languages (and although just as important, and I will be including later), I think the game changer for me was learning my attachment style. This is how you attach to someone, and has a lot do with how you interact in conflict as well. This develops during infancy and shapes us into who we are. It reflects the relationship we have with our parents from birth and onwards. As our primary caregivers, they are responsible to provide a healthy, safe and nourishing environment for us to grow up in. If successful, we attach securely to them. If not, we fall into the other 3 categories. There are four attachment styles.
1. Secure Attachment: You were most likely raised in a safe, nurturing household. You received the proper amount of love, care and attention. In your adult relationships, you’re able to deal with conflict in a healthy and mature way. You’re able to open up to your partner, and feel comfortable with your partner opening up to you. You can regulate your emotions and communicate openly. You’re just as comfortable being alone, as you are in a relationship.
2. Anxious Attachment: This style can manifest in a couple of ways. The parenting style you experienced growing up could have been inconsistent – meaning sometimes your parents were very attentive towards you, and other times they neglected your emotions. This could also appear if you had an overbearing/overwhelming parent who was too involved with your every move. If you feel like you had to be hyper-vigilant of your parent’s feelings and emotions and keep them happy in order to keep the peace – you most likely have an anxious attachment style. As an adult, you are a people pleaser. In relationships you are clingy, insecure and you need constant reassurance. You also have a fear of abandonment. This usually transforms into co-dependency. Read more about it here: https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs#causes
3. Avoidant Attachment: If your caregivers were distant with you growing up, didn’t allow for emotional expression and/or were very strict, you might have an avoidant attachment. As an adult, you are more than likely extremely independent and don’t like dealing with your emotions. In a relationship, you’re hesitant to be committed. If you do commit to someone, you have a hard time displaying your emotions, have trouble with intimacy and/or opening up to people.
4. Disorganized Attachment: You had emotionally unavailable parents. This can be seen as a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment. Unfortunately, it stems from childhood trauma that’s ingrained deep fear from a very young age. As a child, you grow up in an unpredictable environment in which you couldn't rely on your primary caregivers to meet your emotional and physical needs. You end up feeling as though you don’t deserve love, but you desire it. Your views may be cynical and you will question yourself and your partner every step of the way.
Learning your attachment style aids in conflict because once you know how you and your partner attach to each other, you can understand how or why you fight the way you do. For example, I have an anxious attachment style whereas my partner is avoidant. He will want to walk away or end the conversation as quickly as possible, whereas I will want to keep discussing until there is some sort of resolve. At the beginning of the relationship, I was more clingy and would need constant reassurance, whereas he was okay without it. After learning that there’s an actual reason for the way we were acting, and understanding the root of where it came from, we were able to understand each other’s needs. I might need a little bit more reassurance if we’re in the middle of conflict, and he might need a breather to come back to the issue with a cooler head.
You can take a quiz to find out your attachment style, and learn more about each type here: https://www.attachmentproject.com/
#2: Set boundaries/standards up front.
Everyone has non negotiables in a relationship. I think it’s important to discuss these at the very beginning. You are essentially teaching someone how to love you when you share your values and passions with them, and this can be very vulnerable. If you don’t like or appreciate something your partner does, you must communicate that boundary to them. They won’t know what is and off-limits right off the bat. Once you’ve communicated that boundary to them, and they choose to do it again – that’s when you know there is a lack of respect, and you should reevaluate your relationship.
You should also define what cheating is to you, how you deal with finances, when your ideal time to start a family is and how you want to raise your kids. You should also make it clear to them what’s a big deal to you and what’s not. For example, if you love celebrating birthdays, anniversaries or holidays – and you don’t want to be disappointed down the road- you should make it clear to them that these things mean a lot to you. Setting that standard early on, will help you avoid conflict later on. Which leads me to my next point…
#3: Learn each other’s Love Language.
I’ve spoken about love languages in another post, so I’ll touch on it lightly here. We all give and receive love in different ways. There are 5 love languages: physical touch, quality time, gift-giving, words of affirmation and acts of service. Just because we particularly enjoy receiving love in one way, doesn’t mean our partner likes receiving love in that same way. Often times, we’ll give love the way we want to receive it. However, it’s so important to establish each other's love languages early on, so that there isn’t misunderstandings and you’re able to satisfy your partner’s needs. For example, my love language is quality time. If someone makes time out of their day to hang out with me, I feel valued. However, my partner is an acts of service kind of guy. He was always doing things for me, and I didn’t understand for the longest time why he wasn’t as attentive towards my personal love language. But that was his way of showing me he loved me, by doing things for me. Now that we’ve both learned, we’re able to provide for each other in an intentional way. You can use this link to figure out your love language: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
#4: You don’t need everybody’s opinion on YOUR relationship.
The greatest thing I did was keeping my relationship on the down low for a couple of years. First, you don’t need Nazr (evil eye). Second, I think it’s important to see where your relationship is going on your own- first- before adding everyone else’s two sense into the mix. Third, you cant go to everyone about your relationship issues. I think it’s important to have one or two people to vent to, but you’ll find that your family/friends won’t forgive your partner the same way you do. This is why I recommend therapy to everyone. The best place to go for an unbiased opinion, with the best solutions (if you’ve found a good therapist who understands your needs that is).
#5: It’s not always 50/50.
You cant expect your partner to give you 100% every day. They can’t fill that cup halfway all the time, and neither can you. Your relationship will operate in waves. Some days you’re going to have to lean on them more than they’re leaning on you. You might have to put in more effort one week if they are going through it or just don’t feel like they can give it their all. As long as you’re able to balance these numbers overall, things will work out. You just have to gauge the % of time you’re filling the cup. If that number is over 50% then again, reevaluate.
I could go on and on about the do’s and don’t of a relationship, but honestly not all relationships were created equally. You and your partner will have to come up with an equation that works best for y’all. As long as you’re meeting each other halfway emotionally and physically. I took a poll last year and this year for relationship advice my friends would give. Here is what they had to say. Take what applies to your relationship.
Never raise your voice or curse at each other.
Talk about where you want to be in 10 years and see if your visions are compatible.
Feeling butterflies isn’t necessary and isn’t always a good thing.
Don’t tell someone your type when you’re dating them because they’ll fake it till they have you.
If it’s meant to be, it will be.
Never go to sleep angry.
Open communication!
Go into relationships knowing you will either get married or break up.
Ask for what you want, don’t assume it’s understood. Yes, asking for flowers (or anything else) will suck the first couple of times, but without that, your partner doesn’t actually know that you want something. Can’t be disappointed that expectation isn’t fulfilled if it’s unknown.
Communicate explicitly – don’t assume your partner understood something that was implied.
Love your partner the way THEY want to be loved, not the way you want to be loved.
Pray together.
It’s not you and them against each other in a fight, but y’all against the problem.
Remind each other often you’re on the same team.
I’m hoping this helps anyone out there who’s about to get into a relationship or has been in one for years. We’re always evolving, and the more we know, the more we can become better versions of ourselves. You deserve the best chance at love you can get, so take a gamble, but play your cards right.
-love, Sof
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