25. What a heavy number. Attached to this age there seems to be a tremendous amount of pressure. Pressure to know what you want to do with your life. Pressure to make money. Pressure to get married. And pressure to be living your absolute best life. You’re no longer in your “early twenties” and quite officially considered a WHOLE adult. A little daunting, but fair enough. Alhamdulillah, I am so grateful to see another year.
So this is 25. I’m currently nestled in my bed- watching another episode of the Real Housewives of New York City- nibbling on some grapes, and reflecting on not only this past year, but the past 25 years.
The loudest lesson life has taught me this year is that you can plan and plan all you want, but life will come with it’s own game plan. And it won’t always align with what you wanted or had intended for yourself…
This past summer I went through some stressful/scary health issues. Up until May, I had been perfectly normal. These health issues ended up hindering me in every way possible. I won’t get into the nitty gritty details of what’s been happening (perhaps a blog post for another day?). But I do want to touch on the fact that the biggest impact all of this has had is on my anxiety/depression. The way these issues have amplified my mental health was something I didn’t see coming. It’s hard for me to go anywhere these days- even work. I feel like I start to make progress in healing- and then a random setback will happen- spiraling my mental/physical health all over again.
I had booked a trip to New York with my best friends for my 25th birthday- I had to cancel the day before because I couldn’t handle it. I was so disappointed in myself. This trip was supposed to be the benchmark of progress and healing for me. These situations constantly make me feel like I’m failing myself and everyone around me. I know- it seems like I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself. Yet, I can’t snap myself out of such a vicious cycle. I know progress isn’t linear, but I so desperately wish that everything could go back to normal. Before this all happened, I was the type of person that was constantly on the go. Going on adventures, exploring- literally doing anything and everything I can to stay out of my head, out of my house and out in the world. The past two months- I’ve only really seen the inside of my house and not much else. Any time I have gone out, I’ve had massive panic attacks causing me to go back home. This journey has been taxing, and is like a nightmare I wish I could wake up from.
So my life has slowed down- tenfold. I almost have FOMO for my own life. I preach about being gentle and kind to yourself, and I can’t even show myself the same grace. I have to constantly keep reminding myself that I’m so blessed for everything I do have. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I've learned to utilize so many new techniques to combat anxiety, but it will be an uphill battle for a while.
Through this experience, I’ve learned a lot about people as well- in a way that makes me care more about myself than I ever did before. I never realized how important it is to protect your own energy. Your life can be put on hold, but everyone else’s life will continue to move forward- no matter what. You learn how genuine people are when you’re going through the darkest moments of your life. You learn who you can lean on, and who’s faking their sympathy for genuine curiosity or clout. I learned that I’m the only one who can be there for myself. That will get me through the darkest storms that flood my world.
With these issues, I’ve also had to face my deepest insecurities with my body. Issues I thought I had already dealt with resurfaced. I’ve learned that anything I’ve dealt with in the past, has the capability of resurfacing at any point. If I’m not mentally strong enough, they could break me all over again. It’s a scary place to be- not feeling like you’re strong enough to be there for yourself. I can’t say that I’ve figured it out- but I’ve at least kept it 100% honest with myself. And that’s a start…
I was re-reading my blog post from last year, and I realized how this time last year I felt as if I had nothing figured out. I do have a little bit more figured out, but I also have new battles to conquer and I think that’s an important reminder. Each year, you’ll figure out a bit more about life, but will have to battle it a bit differently. The good thing is- with each year that comes, you'll acquire new tools under your belt. You'll be more and more confident in your ability to WIN the fight.
My biggest takeaways:
You are your biggest support system.
Mental and physical health go hand in hand.
Quality of friendship > Quantity of friendships
You can plan your life all you want- but, life will always have ultimate control.
Everything happens for a reason, and what’s meant to be WILL BE.
God doesn’t always give you want you want, but He’ll always give you what you need.
Nothing I cannot handle will come my way.
love, Sof
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