Love$ick

Last February, I wrote a bit of a cynical post about everything that’s wrong with love in our generation. This year, I’ve decided to write about everything that’s right with love in our generation. Because I know it exists and that we’re all capable of it with the right mindset. I’ve seen many relationships cease to exist and many more beautiful relationships bloom a hundred-fold with my very own eyes. That being said, with my own experiences and the experiences of those closest to me, I’ve come up with a bit of a survival guide on how to survive a relationship in this day and age.

[DISCLAIMER: I am not a relationship expert by any means. Every relationship is different, and different things work for different people. I also really tried to stay away from the typical cliché relationship advice we’ve all heard at some point, but it does tie into some of these points.]

SELF-IDENTITY

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned with relationships is that you have to have a STRONG sense of self. You have to not only possess but maintain your OWN identity whilst in a relationship. You may become one team, but you don’t become one person. And with any team, each player brings something different to the table. All players are necessary, however, in order to keep the team playing. Recognize that you were your own person before them, and you always will be. Don't let your identity drown to the bottom of your relationship.

SCHEDULE TIME TOGETHER AND APART

Scheduling time apart is crucial in my opinion. Make sure you have days out of the week where you’re doing your own thing. Whether that be hanging out with your friends, or spending time with family. This really goes back to maintaining your IDENTITY. Also, being apart makes you miss each other. It's almost like hitting the refresh button because when you've been apart for some time, you want to see each other even more. On the other hand, when you do schedule time together, make sure it’s QUALITY time. Put your phone down. Savor the moment. All you really have in this life is the moment you’re in. So make a conscious effort to make the most of it.

ACCEPT THE BAGGAGE

With a strong sense of self, comes a strong sense of knowing exactly what you want/don't want from a relationship. Everybody comes from somewhere. Everybody has a past. Whether that be an ex, personal issues (like mental health), family issues, etc. Accepting their background and recognizing that they are the way they are because of where they came from is imperative. I’ve learned that ACCEPTING your past and theirs is essential to a healthy relationship. If you are not fully over something that’s happened in your past or theirs, it will always come back to haunt y'all. You want to prevent any sort of resentment this may build. This could save you from unnecessary arguments because at the end of the day, neither of you have control over what has already happened to y’all. Your only choice is to move forward. Never let your past get in the way of your future.

ARGUMENTS

As much as you want to prevent yourself from getting into arguments, remember that it’s normal and healthy to argue. However, there are some things you should take into consideration. First, don't let things build up. If you have a problem or concern, make sure you say it as soon as possible. Not expressing how you feel can build resentment. It's soon to come out one day or another. BUT keep in mind, you want to pick your battles. If you think it's something you're willing to let go, then simply let it go. Make sure you remember the cliché: “it’s not you vs. him (or her), it’s both of y'all vs. the problem.” You’re supposed to be fighting for a solution- or at least a place where you’re able to see the other person’s point or where they’re coming from. Breathers are always helpful in the middle of a heated argument as well. If you stop for a second, maybe take a walk and come back, then you’re able to ground yourself. Whenever we’re heated, we tend to say things to hurt the other person because we’re so angry. You're not trying to attack each other, you're trying to attack the issue at hand. Grounding yourself helps put everything into perspective and can remind you of this. You may even realize the issue was super petty to begin with.

INTENTION

Whether it be via arguments or otherwise, understanding your significant other’s INTENTION goes a long way. I’ve always said, communication isn’t key, EMOTIONAL COMPREHENSION is. It’s as simple as taking the time out to understand them, and understand why they’re feeling the way they do. You both could be saying so much to one another in the moment, but if it isn’t registering- your efforts are gone to waste. Acknowledge that you hear them and want to be there for them however they need you to be. Understand that they might say something, but it may come across in a way they didn't intend for it to. Give them the chance to explain themselves and their intentions. It'll save you so much trouble.

LOVE LANGUAGES

At the end of the day, we all want to feel heard. If our significant other hears us, we feel loved which is one of the main points to a relationship. Love languages are an INTEGRAL part of this process. Because we’re all different, we all perceive love differently as well. There are 5 main love languages: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. We all enjoy each language to a certain degree, but we enjoy certain ones more. You can take a quiz online to see which love language you identify with the most. If you’re able to understand each other’s love languages, you can connect better with one another. You’ll understand why your partner loves being around you and is sad when you're not, or why your partner isn’t always physically affectionate- maybe that’s just not how they show their love.

REASSURANCE

If we understand each other's intentions and the way we all want to feel loved and understood, we can further affirm our feelings with reassurance. We don’t always need to hear it, but let’s be real, it’s always nice to hear. Especially after a heated argument- if not right after, try to reassure each other often about how y'all feel for each other. You don’t ever want your partner feeling like they’re being taken for granted. If you have a busy day or have to cancel plans, simple reassurance goes a long way.

EFFORT

Ultimately, it all boils down to EFFORT. Effort keeps the spark alive. Even after you’re in a relationship, keep dating each other. Go on dates. Dress up for one another from time to time. You never want to become so comfortable that you fall into a rut. Keep it fresh, and don’t take them for granted just because the chase is over and you're with them now.

NEW EXPERIENCES

To keep the momentum flowing, people always say to try activities he/she likes to do from time to time. I agree with this, however, I think it’s an amazing thing when you both get to experience something new for the first time. It will mean more because neither of you have done it before, and whenever you look back at this experience you can always associate it with them. It can become y’alls thing. This could be as simple as going to a new restaurant or visiting a new city. Starting a new show, or going to a museum. The possibilities are endless.

As much as I want to end this post on a positive note, I just want to add that love won’t sustain your relationship0 despite what the movies suggest. Relationships take work- two WILLING and ABLE bodies that have chosen to commit to one another. Trust. Respect. Loyalty. These 3 things are intertwined and the foundation to all relationships. You can’t have one without the other. If they don’t exist in your relationship, ask yourself: is your relationship even worth being in?

love, Sof