Trying to get yourself to smile when all you want to do is cry will never come easy. To pick yourself up after the weight of your troubles have crushed you to the ground sometimes feels impossible. But then again, unhappiness doesn’t always have a source. Regardless, the process to get back up tends to be the same. I’m going to try to tread lightly on this topic because I know how controversial it can be. I can only speak from my own experiences and shed light on my own process. That being said, I’ve encountered feelings like this with/without a trigger so I’m able to speak from a place of both.
Self-Victimization.
The biggest shift I had to make in order to help myself was to fix HOW I let experiences and encounters affect/shape me. Anything that I have control over is what I’m able to change- cliché but bear with me. It’s really easy to fall into the comfort of self-victimization. Feeling like everyone is out to get you is a toxic thought to live with- almost like you stay needing a reason to be upset with the world. I would find myself falling into the trap of being comfortable with these kinds of thoughts. It may sound unnatural- I mean who wants to be and stay sad? But it’s more common than you think. Sadness becomes comfortable because you get used to feeling the same way for so long. So when it does come, you don’t try to stop it from flooding in- you embrace it. At a certain point in my life, it would only take one little thing to send me back to that place again- because I was always so quick to fall back.
Don’t take it personal, even if it’s personal.
The very first step I had to take was introspection. I had to become aware of what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. Once I acknowledged this, I had to change my perspective on the way I was taking things in. Basically I had to learn how to un-learn self-victimization- whether I was the victim or not. This isn’t an easy process, and even to this day, I struggle with trying not to make things all about me. When it comes to situations involving other people- I’ve realized that we all have shit going on and shit that we’ve been through that make us act the way we do. How people treat you isn’t necessarily about you- but it almost always speaks VOLUMES about them. So don’t always jump to taking it personal. This will only hinder your growth, and it took me SO LONG to not only understand this, but to put into practice as well.
Not everyone gets it.
Another HUGE concept I had to grasp is not everyone will understand. Odds are, most people don’t get it. You can try explaining again and again WHY you feel the way you do to someone- even if it's simply saying you don't have a reason. But if someone hasn’t gone through it, you’ll usually hear things like “just be happy “ or “don’t think about it” “it’s not that serious” or “go pray.” This isn’t their fault. Your mind just works differently than theirs. I’m not saying you’ll never find people who understand you, BUT I am saying that depending on other people to get me out of that state of mind never really helped. I realized only I can get myself out of it and that’s solely because words don’t always comfort me. Change begins from within myself and my desire to want to help myself, and the only person who can tell me that is me.
Piling.
The next thing that I had to acknowledge I was continuously doing was piling. When you keep ignoring and not dealing with your problems, things tend to pile or stack up. So when the smallest little thing comes and knocks you over the edge, an overwhelming feeling of “my life sucks” will come rushing at you. “My life sucks” leads to “I hate myself” and before you know it, you’re back in that black hole. The only fix to this is to deal with things as they hit you. Honestly, I haven’t gotten the hang of it, but I’m trying to make a conscious effort to at least try. Piling is such an overwhelming feeling and it can exhaust you like no other.
Chasing Highs.
In order to combat low feelings, we tend to chase temporary highs. I gained perspective on this from the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. Anything that gives us immediate relief or makes us forget for a little while looks more attractive to us than long-term happiness such as success. This can simply mean watching a YouTube video or binging a Netflix show. Of course it can also mean other addictive tendencies. The point is it’ll all lead to you being unproductive and will further push you into a state of darkness. You’re not being productive and you’re not getting your shit done, so you start to hate yourself for it. This engulfed me, and I couldn’t handle feeling so terrible about myself when everyone around me ~or so it felt~ had their lives together. Shifting your mind to think long-term instead of short-term is a challenge. This only comes after you’ve acknowledged you don’t want to feel the way you do anymore, and a lot of re-shuffling of priorities has to occur.
Progress is Progress.
Don’t get me wrong, waves will hit from time to time. Progress isn’t a straight line. That was one of the hardest pills for me to swallow. That it comes back. Even if you were feeling the happiest you’ve been in a while, even if it had been so long since the last wave- there’s always a chance it could come back. However, it’s also important to let yourself feel it. Allow yourself to cry or get angry. Submerge yourself into your feelings. Suppressing it isn’t always what’s best because in some way or another, sooner or later, it’ll come out again.
But just knowing you’ve gotten out of it before is a comforting thought. Even just having the desire to get out of it again is considered progress. You’re human, and you’re not always going to be happy. But I promise you, you’re not always going to be sad either.
-love Sof
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