The Foundation of Friendship
The institution of friendship is generally considered to be built on deep understanding, solid loyalty and unbreakable trust. Naturally, if one of these pillars is disrupted- the equilibrium of the friendship can quickly shift if not dealt with the right way. The idea of friendship is a fickle thing this day in age. As social media evolves, so does the constitution of how friendship is portrayed. It’s being built less and less on a solid foundation and more on a certain reputation.
Friendships are something I highly value- and encourage everybody (especially young women) to prioritize and cherish. Forming bonds and creating memories with like-minded individuals can contribute to a fulfilling, memorable and meaningful life.
It’s taken me a long time to figure out this friendship thing, and I still don’t feel like I’m there yet. Like most, I’ve had to comb through the people in my life, and truly delve deep on who has genuine intentions- the people I can count on to have my back no matter what. There were so many people I thought were going to be in my life forever, but as the seasons changed- so did the shape of our friendship. Some could withstand the change, and others couldn’t. I quickly learned the purpose of certain friendships, and the process to deal and heal with complicated issues and inevitable endings to these types of relationships.
This blog post may be all over the place, as there are different things I want to express about this topic. I don’t have it all figured out, but I do want to share the bits and pieces I’ve learned throughout the years, and the multifaceted dimensions I’ve experienced with personal relationships as well as maintaining a social image. I think it’s so important to discuss toxic and healthy friendships just as we would with romantic relationships. Just as important to discuss is the desire to stay relevant and keep up an image society expects from you, especially as a brown girl.
For the Gram
Social media has affected the way friendship is perceived in many ways. On one end, it’s a way to post and display our love for the people in our life. However, more often than not, it’s feels like a popularity contest. The more people you know and post with- the better your social status. When I was in college, this was way more pertinent. Not to say I didn’t partake- for me, it started all the way back with Facebook (in middle school) up until IG in college. Posting has always felt like an obligation. There was a need to keep up- and still is in some ways. I wanted to be part of the craze and feel included too. If you went to a party or even just a casual hangout- and didn’t post about it- were you even there? Social pressure manifests in different forms. Now obviously this isn’t a "one size fits all" situation. A lot of people don’t like to post- and they’re perfectly content even to this day. But for some, there was pressure- and I’m victim to that.
My perspective about social media shifted once I graduated college. I get what it’s like to keep up with wanting and having a social image, and most importantly staying relevant. However, I don’t feel obligated to constantly show people I have a life, or disclose who I’m hanging out with every weekend anymore. When you're around the same people every day in University, you want to feel like you belong, and often times this seems like the only way. It’s a liberating feeling to get out of the bubble that school places us in. I also want to mention that not everyone's friendship is what it seems online. Social media has a way of making people look closer than they actually are. I love playing with aesthetics, and I love capturing memories, so I'm never going to stop posting (as I am a blogger lol). But when it comes to a certain social status, I’m not posting to show people who, what, where, when and why anymore.
Friendship Faux Pas
The gram can be toxic, but so can people. Just like in romantic relationships, there are red flags in friendship as well. These red flags that I found in different relationships really illustrated to me the concept of quality over quantity. It hurt at the time, and still does when I can spot it, but I’ve learned that I don’t need to keep people in my life for the sake of keeping them in my life.
(Disclaimer: I am by no means perfect, and have made some of the mistakes I share below. We're all a work in progress, and I will continue in all my relationships to avoid this behavior).
My top three Red Flags:
1) Inconsideration. Now, this sounds like an obvious one, but inconsideration can manifest in different forms. Inconsideration can look like not honoring commitments/promises. Inconsideration can be as simple as not sticking to your word. If you say you’re going to do something or be somewhere for someone- backing out or cancelling repeatedly is inconsiderate to me. Not communicating that you’ll not be able to is even worse. Inconsideration can look like not being there for your friends when they really need you. Essentially, just show up when you’re needed- and trust me- you’ll know when you’re needed.
2) Another one is disloyalty. Disloyalty seems simple, yet people overlook this too. Not talking about your friend’s business- to other friends. Especially, if they’ve told you explicitly not to tell anybody. Betraying and violating their trust. Becoming close to people they’ve been hurt by, without having an open conversation with them about it. There are so many ways a person can be disloyal. It’s insane how this is probably the most common red flag. We’ve all done it. Gossip can be seducing, but integrity is far more alluring.
3) My last red flag, that seems to always sting me the most is lack of effort. Now this could be synonymous with inconsideration. However, inconsideration is after I have
made the move. Lack of effort is you not making a move at all. It’s hard being the friend that’s always checking up on the other. It’s hard being the friend that’s always making plans with the other, and feeling like you value the friendship way more than they do. You can be made to feel disposable. If you feel an imbalance in your friendship, really take that inwards and figure out the exact ratio of how much you’re putting into it vs them. If it’s not evenly distributed- and it bothers you- it’s time to reevaluate.
Friendship Façade
I want to touch a little more on the “Inconsideration” red flag. I recently had a rough summer, going through some health issues. Not only did my physical health take a toll, my mental health did as well. Through the process, I noticed something I saw during my parent’s divorce a couple years back. I find that not everyone can handle being around the "ugly stuff". Even some of your “closest” friends, may abandon you during hard times. It does make you wonder what purpose these friendships did serve, or what intentions some of these people had with the friendship. With each life experience, I’m able to gain insight on not only myself, but the dynamics of my relationships. What got me through this time (and what is still getting me through this time), is the fact that I have an amazing support system. Although it doesn’t include everyone I initially thought it would, I’ve got a newfound appreciation for the people I do have in my life.
Friendship Finale
Like I said, friendships are something I value most in this world. I take pride in the friend I am, although I know I’m not perfect, and have made mistakes in the past. It’s something I work hard at, because friendship has gotten me through some of my darkest days. I wish people didn’t look at it like they’re collecting infinity stones. Friendships are like plants. You have to nurture them often in order for them to bloom. It’s not about the amount of plants in your garden, but how healthy each plants is. This is what'll make your garden bloom, and sustain you for life.
love, Sof
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