Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve anything good or anything happy? I know this may sound a little melancholy but I feel like it’s important for us to figure out WHY this happens. For me personally, I’ve always had this notion that when good things happen to me I’m either completely unworthy of it OR I automatically assume something bad is going to follow shortly after. Depressing, I know. I’m used to good things going wrong and somehow my brain has been re-wired, consequently, to make me feel as if I’m not entitled to happiness. This becomes a HUGE roadblock physically and mentally through life. I really have to play mind games and trick myself into thinking I’m worthy and I deserve something no matter how hard everything else is convincing me I’m not.
When I think of anyone who’s done me wrong, I automatically think, “Okay, what did I do to deserve this because I've clearly done something to screw things up.” I’ve messed up somewhere along the way and I try to pinpoint my fault. It’s such a toxic trait and I recognize that. I don’t think I’m a bad person, and I don’t think I have bad intentions. So why am I so quick to hate on myself?
Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. I take preventative measures so as not to be disappointed. I convince myself from the beginning that I’m not supposed to be completely and whole-heartedly happy. So if something does goes wrong in my life, I’m no longer surprised anymore. I just shrug because I had already expected the worse- therefore, no disappointment.
I, by no means, feel sorry for myself. It's the exact opposite and I'm just trying to understand why. A lot of self-discovery, self love and self-respect has to be done in order to reverse this and I’m fully aware of that. In order to manifest the life you want to create for yourself, you have no choice but to overcome these feelings. In order to grow, you have to allow good into your life. You also have to allow yourself to feel sad or angry about the bad things that happen, and then let those feelings go. But remember to FEEL. I always tell everyone they deserve to be happy because I truly believe everyone does. I just have to believe that I do too.
-love Sof
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