To some extent, a major requirement to get through life is a dose of confidence. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the most confident and secure person in the world. I have my moments just like anyone else, but I’ve learned to be secure with myself in a way I never thought possible. You see, I’ve been surrounded by strong and secure women my whole life. At times, it can be intimidating as to how cool, calm and collected my mom, aunts, cousins, closest friends and even sister can be. I’ve studied them my whole life, always trying to decipher the secret behind this self-assurance they possess so naturally. I soon realized that there isn’t a secret formula or magic ingredient that’ll boost your self-esteem over night. Everyone has his or her own path to feeling and looking their best. That's why I’m not going to sit here and provide a list of things that’ll help you attain that confidence. You’re going to have to dig deep within yourself. But if you try, I promise you’ll find it. Of course, you’re not going to feel your absolute best every day, and that’s more than okay- it’s actually normal. Some days you’ll feel like you can kick ass, and some days you won’t. As long as you keep faith in yourself, nothing and no one can get in the way of you reaching your optimum potential.
You may think that you’ll feel more confident after you’ve attained a certain goal of yours. As this may be true, I think it’s just as important to teach ourselves how to be confident while we’re attaining those goals. Loving and accepting your flaws has a lot to do with this. I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, but the faster we realize we have imperfections just like the rest of the world, the closer we are to improving ourselves in a healthy and positive manner. I understand, it’s not easy to “love our love handles”, but insecurities push us to be better (if we allow ourselves to look at it this way). As my mom likes to say, you have to OWN it. Say you’re over or underdressed at a party, OWN it. If you’ve gained a few pounds after you’ve come back from vacation, OWN it. You have to first accept these things for what they are. The skin you’re in is the skin you’ll be in for the rest of your life, so it’s counterproductive to hate on it. We have the capability of being our own #1 fan, and I’m talking about mentally just as much as physically. Only you get the privilege and honor of being you. If you’re not proud of the person you are, accept what parts are not making you proud and then try to work on it. It’s all under your control, but hating on yourself isn’t going to fix anything. In turn, it'll just make you more miserable.
On the other hand, if we think too highly of ourselves, society will mistake it for cockiness or arrogance. There’s a fine line between boasting about ourselves and being content with ourselves without having to say anything. Confidence doesn’t mean we talk about how amazing we are to anybody that will listen. Confidence is an unspoken language that people are able to understand without you having to utter a word. By accepting and respecting ourselves, we teach others that no matter what they say to us, they can’t break us. If you feel this protective about yourself, it'll naturally emulate without you having to say a word.
Why do we let someone else control OUR esteem?
When someone says you look good, you feel validated. When someone says they like something about your personality, you feel validated. Why is it a problem when we want to validate ourselves? I strongly believe in the statement, “the way you love yourself is the way you allow others to love you.” It shouldn’t be the other way around. So do we look for that validation from others because we can’t see it ourselves? It’s frustrating that we base what we think of ourselves on other people’s opinions. No one knows us as well as WE know us. Will Smith honestly says it better than I can in this video: https://www.instagram.com/p/BklayHGABwm/?taken-by=willsmith
Feeling confident, secure and self-assured also goes hand in hand with feeling worthy. Often times, we don’t think we’re worthy enough for healthy, meaningful relationships. As Stephen Chbosky says, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” This can also be meant platonically just as much as it’s meant romantically. When you’re content with yourself, you realize your worth. We affirm we’re worthy because we accept and respect ourselves. Again, you have to VALIDATE YOURSELF!
It’s BS to say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, and that’s not what I’m trying to say. I’ve seen it first hand with my friends- people are capable of loving someone more than they love themselves. However, why can’t we redirect that energy to ourselves? If we loved and cared for ourselves as much as we love and care about the people around us, we’d never have to depend on anyone for our security again. Yes, it’s good to feel that safety and security from other people, but that doesn’t have to be your MAIN source of validation. You should be your own main source. Make yourself a priority.
Maturity is also intertwined with confidence. I’ve recently learned this one. I’ve noticed that as I’ve grown up, I’m picking and choosing how upset I’ll allow myself to be over things. I carefully try to control how I react and it's definitely not easy. There was a time when I would let myself get completely consumed by whatever was hurting or upsetting me. Letting things go is easy to say, but in reality much harder to put into practice. It’s important to remember that life is short. Within reason, it’s important to let things go for your sanity. For example, I’ve always had bad FOMO. I hate feeling left out and this really stemmed from me not being secure with myself. I started to think people would prefer not having me around even though no one actually ever said that. I’d assume they’re having a better time because I’m not around. It took me a while (probably within the past year) to realize that I know what I have to offer to the table. It isn’t fun missing out, but everyone there would also be missing out on my company as well. I know this may sound like I’m full of myself (oh look, even I can’t escape the fear of societal judgment), but I’ve come to realize (finally, after so many years) that my friends and family would want me there equally as much as I would want to be there. And although that's a pivotal realization, we really have to shift our focus on where we are instead of where we’re not. It shows growth and maturity on your end, which in turn leads to a more secure you.
Growth is important and is a huge part of finding, loving and accepting yourself. Your journey will mold you into the person you’re going to be, and everyone has a different way of getting there. You have full control on how you choose to view yourself. You should realize you’re worthy of being here, being loved and respected, and loving and respecting yourself whole-heartedly- flaws and all. Stop trying to invest so much into someone else or other people in general. Investing in yourself will make you a force to be reckoned with. No one can get in the way of your relationship with you except you- so STOP getting in the way. Just go out and own it.
-love Sof
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