Growing up as the eldest daughter of a Desi household- the concept of “boundaries” has always been an actual joke. It’s safe to say that boundaries were close to nonexistent growing up and usually don’t exist for most south Asian families. So, what happens when you grow up and still haven't learned how to say no to anyone- even as an adult? You either realize one day that you actually can and are allowed to express your feelings freely, or you suppress your emotions and become a people-pleaser for the rest of your life. Becoming self-aware enough to undo the mechanics in the part of your brain that actually allows you to feel and express how you feel isn’t easy when you’ve learned to do the opposite most of your life.
What is a boundary? It is an invisible line you draw for yourself that protects you from what you choose to not allow in your life, physically or emotionally. It is an expectation you set for a certain relationship you have or a situation you're in. This can extend to your family, friends, relationships and even your workplace. There are many things to consider when setting healthy boundaries for yourself, and boundaries vary person to person.
**DISCLAIMER: I am by no means a professional expert on the matter, and I can only speak from my personal experience and what I’ve learned in therapy. If you are having trouble setting boundaries in your life, and you feel it is beyond your scope to establish them, be sure to speak with a professional to get the help you may be seeking.
In order to set a boundary, you must have self-awareness to understand how people or situations make you feel. Often times, we put the needs of others before our own (especially if you are a south Asian female). I can only speak on my experience as an eldest daughter, and I know that for myself, I really took care of everyone’s emotions around me before I considered my own. I found myself needing to make sure everyone in the house was happy, and was constantly gauging my parent’s moods throughout the week in order to avoid conflict. I realized I was constantly playing the roles of peacemaker and mediator to ensure everyone was okay.
Generations of South Asian women have tolerated so much to keep the peace for their family and especially their children. These examples are embedded into our DNA. We don’t know how else to be. The sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears that our parents had to face as immigrants is all we know. If they didn’t complain, why would we ever be allowed to? I mean, after learning their struggles, I’m sure most of us couldn’t even bring ourselves to expressing our emotions to them. But that doesn’t invalidate our own experience. We have to break the cycle. Otherwise we will end up in unhealthy relationships that have the potential to end badly. Our mental health will suffer. This really starts with learning how to set healthy boundaries.
Boundaries look as simple as declining something you don’t want to go to. It’s telling someone you don’t want to speak about a particular topic when they bring it up. It’s an expectation you set if you’re uncomfortable in a certain situation. It’s not tolerating someone’s disrespect towards you or something you care about.
You want to begin with being transparent and direct. You don’t have to be rude, you just have to be straightforward. You don’t need to tell them “I don’t like…” But rather, “I would prefer or like it if…” This disarms them, but still conveys your message. Don’t apologize for how you feel. I think this is a bad habit Desi women have. We always feel the need to apologize for something we’re doing to take care of ourselves. We feel like we need to apologize for putting ourselves first. Don’t adjust your boundary to make someone else feel comfortable. Boundaries are designed to first and foremost make you comfortable in any given relationship or situation.
It’s extremely important to express to the other person you are setting a boundary. If you cut that relationship off without an explanation, it’s unfair to that person because you aren’t giving them a chance to improve. You can’t assume they know your boundaries, because like I said, everyone has different ideas of what boundaries look like. Cutting people out of your life should only occur after you’ve expressed the boundary, and they still choose to disregard and disrespect it. Just because they are your family or close friend, doesn’t leave them exempt from cutting them out of your life. If a relationship is mentally unhealthy for you, you have to do what gives you peace of mind. It will feel like the hardest, most impossible thing to do when you’re establishing boundaries in that relationship for the first time. But it will pay off and you will be better for it. Trust me, I’ve dealt with this first hand.
You may find resistance when you first establish a boundary. People have a tendency to take others for granted. Especially when they know you'll just take what they're giving you or forgive them easily. Setting a boundary is standing up for yourself. When you’ve spent your whole life letting people walk all over you or take advantage of you, they don’t expect you to ever actually push back. People are uncomfortable with change. Not only will this change make them feel uneasy, but it will also make you feel weird. Don’t let that feeling stand in the way of you standing up for yourself. Boundaries are about knowing what you deserve, and people who want to be in your life will respect you and honor that. However, if they don’t respect your boundaries, they’ll prove to you that they weren’t deserving of having a place in your life, and you’re better off without them.
This is one of the most difficult processes I’ve executed in my life. I’m not successful at it every time. However, I want to get to a place where I can unapologetically show up for myself and stay strong with each boundary I establish. I encourage you all to be more self aware when it comes to the relationships you have in your life, and don’t let others define what you tolerate.
love, Sof
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