23. I’m trying to let that number sink in while simultaneously trying to wrap my head around the fact that that’s how old I am now. Although it’s not some milestone age, I think I’m really just trying to fathom that I’ve made it to my Jordan year. But, let’s be frank... WTF was this past year. So much has happened to me in a short amount of time. 22 taught me a lot, and I know the impact of this year will affect me for years to come. I can confidently say I’m a completely different person writing this post today than I was a year ago. I’m in a different place and space. A different home, around different people, with a different mindset. Change is inevitable, and I tend to forget that with life changes comes a changed you. However, you won’t notice these changes right away. The dust has to settle, and after it's all said and done- introspection will kick into play. Although I haven’t fully processed it, I have realized some of these changes and have learned a lot not only about myself but the people around me as well.
THE biggest lesson I learned and what affected me most this past year is selfishness. The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly that is associated with this very word. I’ve come to know the harsh reality of being selfish. I’ve learned not only how selfish people can truly be, but also how important it is for YOU to be selfish with your time and energy. The most bizarre part of this is that the same selfish people who hurt me were the same people who made me come to this realization about myself.
With everything in life, there should be a natural give and take~ an ebb and flow if you will. I may have mentioned this on my blog before, but when someone doesn’t put the same energy that you put into a relationship it can be infuriating. You get tired of always making the first move and eventually... you stop trying. In some cases, when you stop hitting someone up, there’s a possibility that you may never hear from him or her again. Often times, however, that’s the step you have to take in order to grow in life. You have to allow yourself to grow away from people who no longer enrich your life in any sort of way. Realize when you’ve done enough, and walk away from anything that you know you don’t deserve. Going through what I’ve gone through this past year, I’ve learned not to have expectations from people and understand that if someone truly wants to be in my life they’ll show me. And in the case that they don’t want to then why am I tripping over it? That’s a relationship that clearly isn’t valued, and when you’re not valued somewhere- it can only be a GAIN when you finally cut that negativity out.
I think there’s no better indication of a good friend (or family member) than someone who stands with you during difficult times. I was able to differentiate the people in my life into two categories- the ones who are all the way ride or die vs. the ones who clearly weren't. I learned why it's important to have a solid support system and who really is a part of mine. I learned that meant some of my closest friends and family members, unfortunately, weren't included in that even though I once thought they were. I’m not going to lie, it is a bit disheartening when you wish someone would’ve cared about you the way you care about them. At that point, however, you have to realize you’re the only one going through what you’re going through during this time, and in the grand scheme of things- that one person’s support won’t make a difference. Because no matter what, you’re still going to get through this with or without them.
Consequently, this made me realize how accommodating I was to people before and how I really needed to pull back. I found myself always rearranging my schedule to fit other people in when it wasn’t reciprocated. I found myself always checking up on certain people, hitting them up to make plans and trying to keep our relationship alive when no one was trying on the other side. I needed to become selfish for myself. I had to stop forcing something that wasn't there anymore because I was only hurting myself in the end. Your time is precious and valuable, and it really shouldn’t be shared with just anyone. Likewise, the energy you expedite is also just as precious and valuable, so you should be careful as to where you decide to spend it. The same way you’re protective over the ones you love and care for, you have to become protective of yourself and your spirit.
So, that being said, 22 was a roller coaster of emotions. I had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows. I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, but most importantly I grew a lot. There were times where I didn’t think I was going to get through it. For that, I’m forever grateful to every single person who was by my side during this time. Y'all made me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Life is constantly changing and the only way to deal with these changes is to adapt. These adaptations strengthen us to flourish into the person we're meant to become. Ultimately, it’s not what happens to us- but it’s our reaction TO what happens to us. I think that’s our true test.
-love Sof
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