2019. For the most part, I do think it went a hell of a lot smoother than 2018. Did shit still hit the fan? Absolutely. Did I simultaneously have one of the best years of my life? I truly did. I don’t know if it’s an age thing- but the older I get, the more chill I find myself becoming about the small stuff. I don’t know if the shift in my mindset contributed to an overall decent year OR the fact that I’m still comparing it to the monstrosity that was 2018. Surveying my friends, the sentiment seemed similar all around. 2019 was: Eye Opening. Full of Growth. Intense. Unimaginable. Busy. A Blessing.
With a new year come new lessons learned from the previous year, and new desires for the upcoming one. Here are some of the reflections I’ve made thus far…
Lessons...
Everything has a time and place, and therefore, everything happens for a reason. I KNOW it’s been said so many times. But to actively witness this in different aspects of my life- I finally believe in it. Trying to rush your life will only stress you out even more. Your timeline is different than anybody else’s, so give the comparisons a rest. You’re going to get to where you’re supposed to be. You’re going to graduate when you’re meant to graduate. You’re going to land the job, when God intends for you to have one. The same can be said for getting into the right relationship and eventually getting married. I realized that milestones happen to you when God think you’re ready for them and only after He thoroughly prepares you for them. He’s never wrong, so the least you can do is trust Him, if at all you can’t trust yourself.
Which leads me to my next point- be happy exactly where you are in this moment! Don't wait for an external goal to be reached, a certain event to take place or a day to finally come in order to be happy. The happiness that follows after these events is usually short lived, and you don't want to spend your life living for the next "thing" to make you happy. Living in the moment is obviously a lot harder to do now than ever before. I’m someone who struggles with anxiety- which is literally a fear of the future. So for me to have learned the importance of this is kind of a big deal. I’ve stuck to my social media rule, which means I only go on my social media apps every 2 hours. I’ve recently made it a habit to not go on my phone when I’m around people (aside from checking notifications, but most of my notifications are off for said apps). I enjoy giving people my complete present self. Recently, (when I’m not around people) I've started enjoying giving myself my complete present self.
Which also means I’m a lot more picky with how I choose to spend my time, and the people I choose to spend that time with. I didn’t realize how much I chose quality over quantity this year. Sitting and doing nothing drives me insane. I like to be a busybody. This year, I tried to push my family and friends to do new things and create experiences instead of sticking to the routine, usual things we always end up doing. I chose to stick around the friendships that came easy and natural to me. I like being around people I don’t have to be anything more or less than myself around and that bring me the maximum amount of joy. People that have proven time and time again that I mean something to them, and that the effort is not only reciprocated, but appreciated as well.
This is solely because of my next lesson: not everyone has the same heart as you! I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. People won’t always put in what YOU put into a relationship. I’ve accepted that I’m going to be the way I am no matter what. The difference is, now I don’t expect the same in return. I don’t expect the same in return because I no longer seek that validation anymore.
What I do seek is loyalty and trustworthiness- which is something I realized no one has nowadays. I think I’ll always have trust issues for various reasons, however, there are a few people (that I can literally count on one hand) that I trust with my life. This number has (obviously) significantly decreased in the past year. We live in a selfish world where people are really just out here for themselves. It’s best not to assume that everyone will have your back or take your shit to the grave. In the past, I would easily trust people, which is one of my biggest flaws. This year, I realized why it’s important to not let people in so easily, and it’s changed my life forever. Not everyone has your best interest at heart, so be careful with where your heart shows interest (romantically and platonically).
Dealing with people betraying my trust has helped me tremendously in defending myself. I’m not afraid of confrontation anymore. I realized I’m not afraid to speak my mind, and I don’t back down when someone tries me. I’ve always been sensitive, not only to my own feelings but to other’s feelings as well. This, in turn, has always affected my ability to speak up whenever I REALLY needed to speak up. There was a switch in me this year, and I’m a lot better at dealing with people who think they can walk all over me. They're unable to succeed because now I’m able to stand.
What I want from 2020…
This year I really want to practice gratitude. I want to be more grateful for being alive, and living the life I get the privilege to live. I want to appreciate not only my life, but also the people in it. What’s already helped me in doing so is the “one second a day” app, where I film one second every day. At the end of the year, I get to look back at it all together and reflect on just how blessed I truly am.
I want to be more intentional with everything I do and the way I live. I want the things I do to have purpose, the conversations I engage in to have meaning, and the relationships I partake in to be nurturing. I want to not only live with the intention that I’m building a life for myself, but a life I’m falling in love with and the journey it takes to get there.
Falling in love with the journey takes a tremendous amount of self-love. One of the things I used to love about myself is that I always chose to be kind. I think I lost some of that this past year, and I want to work on building it back up. I think it’s not only an important attribute to carry, but it also was one of my favorite attributes that I possessed.
Along with all of this, I want to strengthen my faith because I believe that all the things I mentioned above go hand in hand with prayer and introspection. I also think this will aid with the biggest thing I’m trying to work on this year which is to stop OVERTHINKING. I don’t know how to step on the brakes when my mind starts to speed. It tends to affect my entire mood, and/or my interactions with whomever I’m around in that moment. This year, I’m going to actively try to figure out ways in order to improve on this.
A little about the blog…
As far as the blog goes, I’m sticking to my one blog post a month, because I’m pretty content with how I not only stuck to it last year, but was proud of every single post I created.
That being said, I hope your 2020 is prosperous, and I hope you receive exactly what you put into it!
See you in Feb xx
-love Sof
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